Middle finger ice tray

Description

We all know the guy. He’s the pretentious home bartender. He just bought a $200 bottle of single malt, he owns four different kinds of bitters, and he will absolutely lecture you about the “peaty notes” and the “mouthfeel” of his whiskey. He refuses to use regular tap water ice because it “bruises the spirit.” His entire personality has become a 1960s Madison Avenue advertising executive, and it is exhausting.

So you hand him this silicone mold.

You are giving him the ultimate artisanal chilling experience. You slide this across his mahogany bar cart and say, “Hey man, I know you’re really into large-format ice for your Old Fashioneds, so I got you something to really elevate the presentation.”

It is the absolute destruction of his carefully curated “Mad Men” aesthetic.

Imagine the scene. He’s hosting a poker night. The lights are dim, jazz is playing, the guys are talking about index funds. He goes to his freezer to serve up a round of expensive bourbon, and he is forced to plop a massive, anatomically correct ice-dong right into the center of a crystal rocks glass.

The physical logistics are devastating. You are forcing his hyper-masculine friends to sit around a table, trying to maintain eye contact and talk about the playoffs, while a frozen phallus slowly bobs against their top lip every time they take a sip. It completely obliterates the vibe of the room. Every time the ice shifts and clinks against the glass, he has to sit there in the ruins of his own sophistication. It is a spectacular way to ruin a perfectly good bottle of scotch.