Fake Shit

Description

We all know the guy. His entire comedy repertoire consists of quoting Step Brothers and playing devil’s advocate in group chats. He genuinely believes that making people uncomfortable is the highest form of entertainment. He is a 34-year-old man who still uses the phrase “It’s just a prank, bro” to deflect from his own profound social ineptitude. His humor hasn’t evolved since the 7th grade.

So you hand him this.

You are giving him a piece of synthetic, buoyant excrement. You slide this hyper-realistic plastic log across the table, look him dead in the eye, and say, “Hey man, I know your material has been getting a little stale lately, so I got you a visual aid for the pool party.”

It is the absolute nuclear option of bad taste. Imagine the sheer, unadulterated panic he is going to cause at a neighborhood barbecue. He slips this into the shallow end of a community pool or a buddy’s hot tub, and suddenly it’s not a relaxing Saturday anymore; it’s a Hazmat situation. Mothers are grabbing their children. The host is frantically Googling how to shock the water. The vibe of the entire afternoon is instantly and permanently destroyed.

And the best part is the reveal. When he finally starts cackling and wades into the water to grab it, expecting a roaring round of applause, absolutely no one will laugh. There will just be a heavy, suffocating silence as everyone collectively realizes they are hanging out with a man whose frontal lobe stopped developing during the Bush administration. He has to stand there, dripping wet, holding a fake turd in front of his peers while they judge him on a cellular level. It is a masterpiece of self-sabotage.