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Bitches love scented candles, what they don't love is the odor of shit.
At first, this gift will come off as a kind gesture, the smell of apple pie will entice them to light it. By the time the apple pie scent has disappeared, hopefully you have too – leaving them to bask in the glorious smell of excrement.
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We all know the guy. He’s the one who rounds his height up to 6-foot on Hinge when he’s a breezy 5’9” in boots. He drives a truck with a six-inch lift kit that has absolutely never touched actual mud. His entire existence is built on aggressively overstating his qualifications. He talks a massive game at the bar, but the logistics of actually backing it up terrify him.
So you hand him this.
You are giving him a literal prosthetic ego. You are sliding an 8-inch rubber sleeve across the table and saying, "Hey man, I know you’ve been padding your resume for the last decade, so I got you some structural reinforcement to help you survive the audit."
It is the ultimate act of physical catfishing. Imagine the absolute panic of the reveal. He’s strapping himself into a silicone mecha-suit just to feel like he belongs in the major leagues. It’s not an accessory; it’s a wearable zoning violation. You are funding his delusion of grandeur in the most humiliating way possible.
The best part is the sheer maintenance of the lie. If he actually deploys this thing, he can never, ever take it off. He has to commit to the bit for the rest of the relationship. Every time he hides this monstrous rubber tube in his sock drawer, he has to sit on the edge of his bed and confront the massive, undeniable void between the man he pretends to be and the reality of his own factory settings.
