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This is... this is tough.
We all have that one friend, right? The guy who’s just... out there in the wilderness. No backup. No squad. Just him and a hot plate, staring at the wall. It’s dark. It is bleak.
You walk into his apartment and it smells like... old milk and despair. He’s eating cereal out of a cup because he hasn't done dishes in three weeks. He’s living like a raccoon that got trapped in a pantry.
So you get him this.
You hand him this book and you look him in the eye and you say, 'Hey man. It’s over. The dream is dead. No one is coming. Learn to make a frittata before you get scurvy.'
It’s not even cooking, really. It’s tactical fueling. It’s about efficiency. Why make a lasagna for twelve when you’re the only one eating it? You’re just gonna be eating cold lasagna for six days straight, crying in your underwear watching WWII documentaries.
This book stops that. It teaches you how to make exactly enough food for one sad man to survive the night without hating himself.
It’s a kindness, really. But yeah... don't expect a thank you card. He’s probably too busy weeping into his single-serving stir-fry.
Bitches love scented candles, what they don't love is the odor of shit.
At first, this gift will come off as a kind gesture, the smell of apple pie will entice them to light it. By the time the apple pie scent has disappeared, hopefully you have too – leaving them to bask in the glorious smell of excrement.
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